Confessions Of A Slut

turns out I wasn’t a bad person

I am reading a new book, Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

I found myself in the first section.

When I was younger, it’s not like it didn’t escape my notice; I was promiscuous. I liked being with men. Strike that. I loved being with men. They seemed to like being with me as well.

When I was married, I was so concerned about myself cheating on my husband that parts both consciously and unconsciously, I gained weight to insulate me from advances. Add in a wardrobe of mom clothes, and I was very successful. I raised my kids and loved my husband. No cheating ever happened, on either of our parts.

When my husband and I opened up our relationship two years ago, all bets were off. I was now free to be whoever I wanted to be. It turns out; I’m still slutty.

This causes some problems with my husband. Not the ones that you would think, we are in an open relationship, he just doesn’t understand. He says he feels about a month after meeting someone would be the right time to have sexual relations.

I am baffled by this timeline.

I have no problems making out on the first date and possibly move right on to intercourse on date two. Hell, I’ve been known to give it up on the first date.

For me, I don’t see the issue. If they want to have sex and I want to have sex, why exactly are we waiting? Because the “why buy the cow” argument grates on my nerves. Its sex, not a transaction.

I have always been able to make connections very quickly, for good or bad. People tell me things. I listen. Something inside me can bond with people, empathize with people, on a real level, very quickly. I’m not sure why other people don’t have this ability, but I can see the fears and hopes in people without them saying words. People seem to feel this from me.

Is this part of the reason I am fast to hop in the sack? Maybe, it’s possibly a component.

Even when it doesn’t work out, I can usually understand their issue.

Sometimes all they want is sex. Sometimes all I want is sex. I still fail to see where the problem comes into play.

The problem I do see comes when wires get crossed, or I develop feelings when I shouldn’t.

I think this is happening to me right now, and I have (almost) decided to stop seeing him. Almost. The sex is fantastic and I hate to cut it off. But I feel like we are drifting too far from what we agreed, for me. We started off as sex only, I have tried to stop forming any feelings but I am being drawn to a relationship that is not in the cards for us. Its probably going to be better for both of us if I break it off now. But I digress.

I am reading the book as part of a sex-positive book club. I wasn’t sure what else about my sexuality I didn’t know but was willing to look into the matter.

Enter section one. It made sense to me, and I liked that she repeated over and over, “you are normal.” It planted the seed that maybe I am not a “bad” person overall, perhaps it was my own ingrained nature/nurture temperament.

I took the accompanying worksheet test on sexual temperament.

Turns out, yes, I have low “brakes,” those things that tell me to worry about this being a bad idea or my body not being right or what to make for dinner tomorrow. My main problem is holding myself back. This checks out.

I also have coordinating high “ses”, aka I am easily turned on. I like to think of this as a potted plant can brush me the wrong way (or rather the right way), and I can become aroused.

With the two combined, it’s hard for me to turn down sex. And easy for me to go with it if I am feeling a connection with someone, no matter how soon we have met.

It’s not like I jump into bed with everyone, only if I like the person and am physically attracted to them. The only problem with this, I find a wide variety of men attractive.

On the other side of this; I am a, traditionally, physically attractive person.

This leads to a lot of opportunities.

There appears to be something in me or on the surface that men find attractive. I talk with my therapist a lot about this because, on some level, it always confused me. I still don’t always know what I do or don’t do to cause this response.

Sometimes, of course, I know! Its the low cut tops, short skirts, and red lipstick. Add in my words of flirtation, and I’m trying.

Sometimes though, its unconscious, and I’m only trying to buy a light at a big box store.

This had gotten me a lot of negative attention, mostly when I was a teen. I was propositioned by men a decade or older and stalked. Being 48 years old now and having some means, I’m rarely messed with these days, which is disgusting. The only reason I was harassed was that I was defenseless.

Circling back to the book, Come As You Are. I am normal. Nicer to hear then one thinks. But I do have a high sex drive with a low innate ability to apply breaks.

While it feels like rubbing a cat's hair backward, it does have me thinking maybe I should rein it in some, think things through before I start peeling off all my clothes.

Wish me luck because I think I’ll need it.