Adventures In Sex
turning my 30-year marriage from monogamous to polyamorous
Life is a funny thing. Never static, always changing, always evolving.
I was married when I was 18 years old. The first time my husband and I spoke of finding love outside our marriage, we had been married 28 years. Two of our daughters were adults and one was a teenager.
At the time I was sick and did not want to feel guilty about my lack of ability to have sex. My first idea was sex only, none of those feelings that go along with it, only sex. This plan seemed sound to me. He could get his needs met and I would no longer feel guilty about being sick.
My husband said this was the stupidest idea I’d ever had. After about two days, I started to think maybe this was the stupidest idea I had ever had. In my mind, I started picturing paying some woman’s rent and that would really annoy me. So neither of us spoke about it for months.
Then an opportunity came up that allowed my husband some absolute freedom. Traveling with a male friend for two weeks without me. I told him, if it happens great, wear a condom. But no texting, none of those feelings things. It did happen for him, he felt horrifically guilty but I found I didn’t have the jealously I thought I would. Although, I was still adamant about no relationships.
Along the way, I got better (thank you pharmaceuticals). I started thinking about what I would want, outside my marriage, with my newly re-found health.
We started talking again about ethical non-monogamy. This time, I was again the driving force, but for myself. We agreed on some boundaries, most of which we’ve broken one by one but that is for another article.
The first person I had sex with was one of my husband's friends, on two occasions. This turned out as good as you would have expected. Luckily friendships all stayed intact, even though it ended up only being casual sex. I wanted more than that but he couldn’t get past that I was polyamorous. What a hypocrite I would be if I had an issue with that, I’m glad we were able to stay friends.
I then decided to try the dating apps. What a surprise this was! I had just turned 48 and had never dated in my entire adult life, let alone on dating apps.
If I had to use only one word it would be, overwhelmed. I had no idea what to expect but hundreds upon hundreds of men were not something that even crossed my mind.
I started sifting through them all. I made a connection with someone that lived about an hour and a half away. We hit it off on Facetime and texting. I threw caution to the wind, needing something besides my first experience, deciding to drive to him and spend the night.
The sex was terrible. I mean it was awful. I swear the guy I had met on Facetime several times, was not this guy. He was a selfish lover and appeared to not even notice that after having sex three times, I didn’t have one orgasm, or even come close to one. Not only that but he bit me a few times and later I had bruises. Dude. He was also hard to get rid of, he didn’t seem to notice we did to get along well. In the end, I had to ghost him and block his number.
Surprisingly to me, I found someone on the dating apps who was polyamorous and I thought we got along really well. We only had sex once and I thought it was ok. Nothing that set of firecrackers but it was decent and I liked spending time with him. Then he sent an “its not you, it’s me” long text message. Damn it! I liked that one. Who knows why things don’t click for both parties but I respect that it didn’t for him.
My last partner is my current partner. He’s 16 years younger than me and we like to have sex the same way and we find each other incredibly attractive. Unfortunately, it’s missing that relationship aspect that I still crave. I don’t want to cut it off with him, due to the amazing sex, but I need more.
This is going to require going back on the dating apps. I need firmer boundaries in my bio this time around. First to cut off men who are looking to cheat (yes, I had several, I suppose at least they were honest, but that isn’t how this works). Secondly, to go into more detail about what I have found to be true for myself, I need the relationship aspect, not only casual sex.
What I haven’t decided is how quickly I will have sex with a new partner. Part of me doesn’t understand why I should wait? I like to have sex and I can bond with people easily and quickly. The other part feels that if I’m looking for more, I should be the one to put it off longer.
The sex-positive part of me grates under the “why buy the cow” BS if both parties want to be intimate.
I truly haven’t decided yet but I suppose I will keep winging it like I have since the conversation started between my husband and me two years ago. I’d like to think there’s one guy out there for me who meets both my sexual and emotional needs.
Here’s to the practice of finding him.
